I know I’m bombarding you with posts today, but I feel like after the last few months of chaos I’ve got a fair bit of catching up to do here on Patreon! Originally I was going to save this particular journal entry for next month, or atleast later THIS month given the journal’s reference to a same-sex couple and the current postal plebiscite bullshit we’re going through here in Australia at the moment. But given I wrote this particular journal entry exactly 3 years ago TODAY, I figured you wouldn’t mind two posts in one day 😉
Truth be told, I was utterly smitten when I wrote this. I’d literally just met someone who had completely turned my life upside down in a matter of days, who would continue to turn it upside down in all the right ways over the following few months, but would ultimately turn into one of the harshest lessons in love I’ve ever faced.
It’s almost funny reading back over the journal now about how I was “at NYWF (National Young Writer’s Festival) to meet [her] – not restart comedy or fall in with the writers”, because in many ways that’s exactly what happened – I decided to write one more comedy show (Cosmic Nomad) and I’m now a published author… although I can’t really say I’ve “fallen in with the writers”, and once the 2016 Cosmic Nomad tour was over I knew I was truly done with trying to get anywhere professionally with stand-up comedy. But I was absolutely smitten, and it was pretty surreal to realise just how strongly I felt about this woman I barely knew: how willing I was to be vulnerable, and how emotionally fearless it made me. Once I started to scratch the surface it slowly became obvious how scared, cold and toxic she could be; that I was only being used because she felt unappreciated by someone else, but I desperately tried to deny all of it so I wouldn’t lose the sense of overwhelming enthusiasm I can feel throughout this journal entry.
I’m a slow learner, so 2015 turned into a 9 month long series of increasingly desperate romantic gestures met with disinterest, but in the end I couldn’t handle feeling unwanted anymore – a common theme for me, and something I’ve spent years working on with some progress. One thing I know I’ll never lose though is that wonderous joy at spending time around someone that lifts you up as much as you lift them up. Since around the time of this journal entry I’ve used the metaphor of two birds spiraling upwards around each other, pushing each other to go higher.
Feeling sense of sheer nervous joy myself at the National Young Writer’s Festival in 2014, and seeing it in the eyes of the two women on the train platform during my ride back to Sydney – that’s something I’ll always seek out and unashamedly celebrate. I guess what I haven’t exactly worked out personally is how to handle that sense of rejection when the other bird gets emotionally tired, or recognising that emotional exhaustion in myself. But at least I’m getting better at sensing it and easing back, rather than being oblivious until breaking point then pushing even harder in a vain attempt to drag both of us up and out of a dive.
There’s an amusing synchronicity in finding this old journal entry tonight – things now feel a bit like they did just before I wrote this journal entry three years ago, and it marked the start of some really incredible adventures both emotionally and professionally. Three years on and I’m a little wiser, but the months ahead are a hazy and uncertain melting pot of potential just like they were at the end of 2014: we’re about to hear some major news from Mars One and I’m committing to write more books and further study.
Whatever the final months of 2017 bring, I’m looking forward to it.
P.S. The “Australian Astrophysicist” will remain nameless, but given the media events I’ve been involved with over the last few months it’s endlessly amusing that their name has re-emerged from my journal 😀
Day 10, 643 Newcastle → Sydney → Brisbane Mon 6/10/2014
All the things that take us forward are combinations of what has come before. I’m not saying it’s impossible to have a truly original thought… but it’s almost certain you can trace the thought’s genealogy back to it’s parent ideas from a previous time.
I could talk to [Name] for days straight. It’s been a long time since I was that comfortable around someone I’d just met; able to just talk effortlessly. Not intense conversation, but not shallow small talk either – just a natural & open talk that flows freely. A meeting of sensitive equals. I don’t feel threatened by her being funny (which most men probably would be) while she likely sees me as someone she doesn’t have to compete with – she’s found success in her passion for comedy & is pursuing it, while at the same time I’ve worked in comedy but have moved on into using comedy in science. In many ways there’s an additional link in wanting to serve others ([Name] through her Aboriginal community support work, I through my school talks) through performance & engagement. I feel like I’ve found a reason to reignite the Mars One/[Australian Astrophysicist] Q&A for Interstellar: that little peck on the cheek as we hugged goodbye.
Delve back into comedy, but do it on your own terms – don’t say yes to everything in comedy, but say yes to science communication.
You were at NYWF to meet [Name] – not to restart comedy or fall in with the writers. She’s Katie Holme’s character ‘Grace’ from Eli Stone.
My train pulled up at a station on the way to Sydney – a picturesque little seaside town. As we pulled up, two young women embraced & kissed – not the desperate hug of a couple about to [be] separated for long, but the kind of embrace that knows the other will be back soon. They separated with a smile, and the woman with a small suitcase made her way to the carriage, disappearing into the level below me. Her girlfriend remained peering towards the lower level’s windows, & shielding her eyes from the Sun’s glare reflected off it. Suddenly her expression changed to one of gentle joy; clearly sighting her partner below. I watched as she remained looking on, the smile waxing & waning as she made & broke eye contact with her partner, with the occasional wave & mouthing ‘Bye’ between the grins. She remained there till our carriage pulled away again, then walking with the slowly accelerating train – her gaze never leaving the window below me. How could anyone hate that? That sweet smile that knows the one she loves will be back soon enough. How lucky to know someone cares that much – someone who loves openly, honestly & fearlessly. How could someone witness unbridled joy in another & feel hate, all because those experiencing that joy share a gender? How can you hate love because of the form it takes? Because of who’s experiencing it?