Apologies for being a little later than usual on this one – I’m currently up in Indonesia for a week, and there’s been a perfect combination of island-wide internet/power blackouts coupled with some hefty emotional chaos too.
I’ve chosen this entry because it’s a nice reminder for me that if you keep believing in yourself while always questioning why you feel the way you do, you’ll always get better at handling emotional challenges when they come up.
The last few days I’ve been here with a wonderful platonic female friend from Cork who’s been living in Vietnam, and while I’m not a huge fan of being a tourist in South-East Asia generally, it was the only way to see one of my closest friends for what is likely to be the next few years. Yet even before I got here there were warning signs I might be in for a turbulent few days – familiar circumstances that were also there leading up to a trip to Lousiana in 2012, and present again in this journal entry from late 2014. In this week’s case it wasn’t unresolved sexual tension like the other two – instead we brought out some ugly elements in each other that we both thought we’d personally moved on from. But the parallels from the past were clear.
And because I’m a glutton for punishment I’m also heading to Malaysia for a few days next week to meet up with an ex-girlfriend – one who’s responsible for the hardest relationship lessons I’ve ever had to face, who I also didn’t speak to for over 5 years after we broke up, and never in a million years did I think I’d be speaking to, let alone flying to see. It could be the end of the deepest hurt I’ve ever carried, or it could be a 4 day hell – I won’t know till I get there, but the signs so far are quietly positive.
Maybe I’m too forgiving, but I like to think that with enough time and effort anyone can redeem themselves – I know I’ve certainly had to work hard to redeem some of my own awful behaviour in the past. One thing for certain though is I’ve been definitely far too tolerant of shitty behaviour from friends and partners in the past: in every word of this journal entry I can hear myself justifying the comedian ex-girlfriend’s neglectful and selfish behaviour a month into the relationship, but I wouldn’t end it for another 11 months when things got far, far worse. And Louisiana in 2012 was far worse again.
I know I’m still inclined to let unacceptable things slide longer than I should… but I’m definitely getting better at spotting it early and acting quickly, not continuing to chase people who don’t value me, and recognising that as long as I’ve always been open and honest then it’s their problem to resolve and not mine. I still suck at not taking it personally when I’m on the recieving end, and it’s likely to be the biggest emotional life challenge. But every time I take these emotional risks and review the after math I know I get a little bit better at spotting the risks early, a little bit better at recovering from them, and once I’ve picked myself up off the floor I always know I’ve ultimately grown from it.
It’s also nice to read what a positive influence Mars One has been too… and that I no longer need to write the book, but I still need to EDIT AND PUBLISH THE DAMN BOOK!
Day 10,724 (continued) Sydney Wed 26/11/2014
Jesus, WHAT is going on here? This has all the same hallmarks of what I dealt with in Louisiana, with all sorts of chaos going on before everything went pear-shaped with [Former Crush]… and yet [Comedian Ex Girlfriend] surprised me last time. You are overanalysing this, but it’s because it feels so strong & has so many weird parallels to it. You’re also tired, which always causes issues. Reflecting through your comedy is telling too – you really were pretty nasty. It’s unbelievable what Mars One has done for you in two short years. And [Comedian Ex Girlfriend] is a very clear outcome from that – she’s everything you’ve looked for, and you’ve found her by following the same breadcrumbs… so naturally you’re concerned she’ll have the same end. But you’re not following the same breadcrumbs – you’re madly in love with her because of who she is & how she thinks, NOT because she’s filling a hole. She’s gorgeous, intelligent & fully-formed emotional being, and she loves spending time with you. End of story. Stop waiting for a message or interaction – she’s also a reflection of Mars One, and you have no control over when she’ll be in touch. We BOTH have shit to do, and pining for someone is draining. Right now you’re repeating the mistake you made with Mars One earlier in the year, but with how you see [Comedian Ex Girlfriend]. Do all you can when you can, but the greatest way to live your life is to serve others, not focus on one. WRITE THE DAMN BOOK.
SERVE THE SPECIES